How would you handle this situation with elderly mom?On 03.14.10, In article
We made our usual trip to the grocery store today. My mom is 97 and uses a walker. While I shop she picks up a couple of things in her little basket and walks the aisles for exercise. Leave a Comment24 Responses to “How would you handle this situation with elderly mom?”Leave a Reply |
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Personally, I think the store policy needs an overhaul. What they are doing is dangerous & short-sighted. It might be nothing, but it could be something like a stalker or a person with the wrong type of agenda towards an elderly person. The giver should be identified or play their giving games out in a safer manner. Most local Police Departments have a "giving tree" in their lobbies with the first names of seniors & a gift they are in need of for the holidays & these good samaritans can cause less heartache for seniors like your Mother. She is a proud individual & this type of "charity" is stressful for a person like her. Perhaps almost shameful. Many people ASSUME an elerly person is in need, just like they do for a homeless person. They mean well, but they are forcing themselves & their "gift" on others. I’d give the card back to the store manager & tell them how it has had a negative effect on one of their better customers.
Your Mother was shown the highest form of disrespect when she was not consulted before being thought of as a person in need of the "gift". I blame the giver & the store for their thoughtless part in taking the money of one customer to belittle another just for the "sport" of saying they were helping a person in need! I can see why she ended up in tears. It brought back some memories that she’s probably not wanting to deal with again. Ask her about it, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want to talk about it. People in need were once treated worse than rats in a sewer. She’s right to be upset with this thoughtless act. So much for "progress"!
IF MOM DOES NOT WANT THE GIFT CARD, GIVE IT TO SOMEONE WHO COULD USE IT WHEN YOU GO SHOPPING.
She just could not accept the fact that as if she looks pitiful at her age now. Can explain to her that that kind of gesture others showered her was just sign of respect to her.
I"m 72. If I were at the Super Market and had that happen to me, I would be indignant at first, and then I would want to give it to the Food Bank,(my favorite charity)
Gather up a bag of groceries out of your pantry and ask her to go with you to the food bank and suggest that it would be a good idea for her donate the gift card, along with the groceries.
I would allow her to experience her feelings.
There’s nothing you can do to change it.
Then move on and get her mind involved in other things.
She sure sounds spunky for a 97 year old.
How fortunate that she still can walk around.
You’re a good daughter!!
(**)
Help her to re-gift it!
Tell her that the next time you two are in the store together, to pick a mother who is so obviously trying to budget tightly and buying the cheapest things in order to afford food for her kids. And then let HER walk up to them and explain that she wanted to contribute this $10 as a gift to their family.
Don’t be at all surprised if she wants to add more of her own money.
One idea I had as I read your question and all the wonderful answers is that you could remind your mom that there are people who enjoy being "Secret Santas". I’ve seen several news stories about "Secret Santas" who hand out cash, $50.00, to strangers….for no reason at all other than to say Merry Christmas. You could remind your mom that these "Secret Santas" aren’t looking to give pity, they just want to share their Christmas and make someone smile. Yes, she was noticed, and that can be uncomfortable. I’d tease my mom a bit about assuming the worst….that she was pitied….because there are other possibilities-especially when a "Secret Santa" is involved.
One of my all time favorite people in the world is close to your mom’s age-my neighbor recently moved to an assisted living center near her daughter’s home. She’s 94 now, and still becomes frustrated with any limitations from her age. She has had crying spells too. She was never emotional and would never have cried easily for the first 30 years I knew her. But now, she does get depressed and frustrated-and the crying comes on quickly, and there is little anyone can do but to sit by her until she is done. She hates the crying but we’ve learned that it is a sign that she is not feeling well and it’s time for a check-up. Twice, the doctors found that she was anemic, and once it was depression because she missed her old house so intensely. If your mom is still upset, maybe she should have a check up.
My mom is younger than yours, but I do appreciate this question. My mom hates the way she looks now, hates people staring at her, feels like a ‘cripple’….and I’m often at a loss about what to do when she becomes upset. It has been nice to read this Q and A, loads of good info and idea. Thanks!
Sometimes people just want to be kind and sometimes it is difficult to differentiate between kindness and pity. My Mom often takes offense when she feels people are pitying or patronizing her; like most people she doesn’t want pity.
My advice would be to suggest to your Mom that she "pay it forward" and pass along her good fortune and the kindness of a stranger to another stranger who might truly be in need. So maybe that $10 can be passed along to a child in need or someone at a nursing home who would appreciate rather than be offended by the gesture? In this way she could demonstrate her kindness and reflect the kindness of the person who gifted her with the card.
Unfortunately one of the trials of getting old and confused–it was a thoughtful gesture not because of how she appeared but the season. She could put it in a bell ringers pot for the Salvation Army.
Try to explain to her that it wasn’t because the person thought she was "pitiful". I believe it was because that person just wanted to do something nice for her. I am apt to do the same thing, I have such an affinity and respect for older people. I think of my own grandparents (who have passed on) often when I see elderly people out and about. Perhaps this is what happened with the person who gave the gift card, maybe they were missing their own grandparents, and wanted to do something nice for someone elses. Please don’t let her take it the wrong way, I’m sure that’s not how it was meant.
i understand where she is coming from, but honestly take it as what it was..a nice person doing a good deed..yes it may seem embarassing, but at the same time..it was a gift and they were trying to be nice
Don’t get so upset. When in your nineties, you get tired and confused. Tell her it was given to her, because people were respected older people and wanted to help someone. Give it to salvation Army.
If you think it will make her feel better, donate it to the food bank or Toys for Tots. Explain to her again that someone just wanted to do something nice for her because its Christmas and that it was not out of pity. It is the season that tends to make one want to give. It is her pride that is hurt. Moms can be so independent you know. I think it was a very nice gesture on the part of the stranger. Tell her its the gift that keeps on giving and pass it on if she does not want it.
Good luck and hang in there. My mom just yelled at me while I was putting in her eye drops. What are you going to do?
Why not re-give the gift to someone she thinks may need it more.Maybe a vagrant or family friend a little down on their luck right now.Maybe another stranger at the supermarket perhaps.
97 years old and can still shop and knows whats going on ? ask her what she wants to do with it. maybe she can give it to one of her grandkids as a gift like they gave it to her.
Her generation took sooo much pride in work, self sufficiency
and competency. My father n law was the same. He became incapable to cut his five acres on a lawnmower in the hot summer sun so I started doing it for him. One day he came out and ordered me to stop. I did and my husband talked with him explaining he’s done so much for us it was time for us to repay.
That worked
In your case: "Mother, you’re a great testimony to a victorious 97 yr old. That woman didn’t give out of pity, she gave out of respect and admiration for you wanted to express it with a gift. I’d just accept the gift graciously"
???? Would that help?
Blessings- Juju
Find a way to make her feel needed or more important, some sort of act where she feels empowered. Also sounds like she suffers from a bit of depression, which is very common with people who are going through huge life changes like becoming more debilitative especially when they begin to realize or feel that it’s more apparent to other people. I went threw this with my mother after her stroke. I would recommend maybe talking with her doctor about an antidepressant. I would recommend Cymbalta it has done wonders for my mom. Cymbalta is an SNRI (selective serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor) which would help elevate her mood and may help her feel that she isn’t pitied. Cymbalta also works faster for results. Most antidepressants take 3-4 weeks for results Cymbalta worked within the first week. Especially in the elderly and the handicap during the holidays there depression worsens or becomes more apparent and see simple kindness as pity. It is nice to know though that there are some people out there that do random acts of kindness.
I’d take a gentle, but still a tad bit of a "slap in the face" approach.
Tell her someone got great personal joy in being able to GIVE. They did not want to be recognized, nor thanked for their gift, they did it out of the kindness of their heart….only the desire to have the joy of giving.
Tell your Mom that by her not graciously accepting this gift, she is selfishly destroying the spririt with which it was ment.
Tell her also that there is every chance the person did not give the gift out of any sort of pity for her. It is quiet possible they lost their own beloved parent, and your Mom reminded them of their own Mom. Since they couldn’t walk up as a total stranger, and give your Mom a hug, they were moved to do the only thing they could…give a small gift to a total stranger who perhaps by the very way she walked, talked or looked brought them fond memories of their own Mom. Again, your Mom is being mean sprited by not graciously accepting this gift which brought someone else joy.
Even though money is not a problem for your Mom, perhaps it was a problem for someone dear to the giver’s heart. It’s quiet possible they hope someone is their to help, or would have helped their own dearly beloved elderly relative.
Tell your Mom that no matter what, the person who gave the gift card most certainly did not mean it in a mean spirited way. She is the one being mean spirited by not graciously accepting the card, as the simple gift of joy it was ment as.
Tell her next time you go to the grocery store with her, you would like to have her help picking out items with the $10 gift card, so the food can be donated to the food bank. That way she will really be honoring the spirit of the gift, and continueing to pass some of the Christmas joy to other people.
In my local area there have been only 87 toy for tots donated. There are several thousand children on the list hoping for toys. Remind your Mom (gently) she need to be thankful she wants for nothing. There are many people who would be thrilled with the $10 that would buy food, or a toy for their child for Christmas.
~Garnet
Homesteading/Farming over 20 years
I think the person just wanted to do a kindness for your mother. I don’t think they pictured her as pitiful.
Maybe she knows someone else who could use a little help with their groceries, like a recent widow or widower or a single parent. And that might make her feel good knowing she was helping someone who needed it.
All I can say ( as I sit here with a large smile ) is that she sounds like an amazingly tough cookie that is very set in her ways . I once when I was in my late teens bought 2 hamburgers for a homeless woman that I always saw as I waited for the bus downtown and her reaction was far from gracious…some people just do not want a hand out and really that’s fine but I’ll always keep trying ( so I guess I’m her nightmare).
She may feel entirely different tomorrow. let her sleep on it and if she is still upset get groceries and donate to the local food shelf.
Sadly there are some well meaning, but patronising ½ whits in society that really get off on a sense of importance and worth by treating elderly folk as if they’re to be pitied. You’re now stuck in a situation of comforting her, I’m sure that isn’t easy. From what you say, you’ve said all the best things to her, sadly there’s not much else that you can do apart from letting the shop know how cross you are with them and that if they are aware of this going on in their store, they should put a stop to it as it causes offense.
I receive gift card through my place of employment for safety awards. I always make a point of passing them on when I am out shopping.It is usually to someone I see with small children that look like they could use a little help.It is not pity, it is the spirit of giving and because a person can do it. Tell your Mom that they wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates, but didn’t know what kind she liked, so they got the gift card instead. Maybe the person just had alot of respect for your Mother because of her age. If she is still upset, use it yourself or pass it on.
One of the benefits of aging is the strong probability that by tomorrow morning she will have totally forgotten about the entire incident….just wait her out. You simply cannot fix this for her…to quote the Beatles…"let it be"…and keep you sense of humor and count your blessings. She could be paranoid and accusing you of stealing her blind (like so many of the elderly do.)